Lessons my Granddaddy Taught Me

As I’m in the midst of testing to see if I have cancer, I’ve numbed myself for the most part. I haven’t really cried. I’ve just been on autopilot trying to get day to day things done while also trying to make sure I put things in place for my girls just in case I get the news that no one wants to hear.

But tonight, something broke. I was thinking of the timing of it all. July 3rd was the beginning of the end in many ways. It’s the day that my granddaddy was hospitalized. That hospitalization lead to his cancer diagnosis and his death about a month later. I typically try to make positive memories on July 3rd. This year I was too distracted by my upcoming colonoscopy. But today…6 days later…the grief hit.

I was thinking about how strong my Granddaddy was when he found out he had cancer. I remember his excitement to enter into heaven. I wish I was that strong. I’m terrified. I’ve been stoic externally but internally I’ve been a complete mess. Maybe he was the same. But all I want is to be like him. I want to have such a strong faith that death doesn’t scare me, it excites me.

Im not there. I’m not fearful. I’ve realized that it’s coming no matter what and I’ve accepted that. But that doesn’t mean that I’m excited. When he thought of death, he thought about being in the presence of His Creator, His Savior. When I think of death, I think of everything that I’m leaving behind. I think of those who will be affected by my absence. I think about my girls mourning their mother.

I don’t know how he got to the point in his faith that he truly seemed to have no doubts or worries. Maybe I need to read my Bible more. Maybe I need to pray more. Maybe I take my faith for granted. I’m not really sure. I wish I could get his advice. I wish I would have asked him before he passed. I wish he could give me a sign.

But tonight, I’ll just let the tears fall and tell God exactly how I feel. I don’t know if tomorrow will be better but God willing I will open my eyes in the morning and take the next step in growing my faith. I’ll just hang on to the fact that I know God is with the brokenhearted. He is with me and cares for me. For tonight, that is enough.